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Whole Foods Just Launched In-Store Tattoo Parlors (PS It’s April Fools' Day)

The first rule of April 1: always keep your guard up and your eyes peeled for suspicious announcements. We found our most suspicious announcement by far...

Frazer Jones
|Apr 1|magazine8 min read

The first rule of April 1: always keep your guard up and your eyes peeled for suspicious announcements. We found our most suspicious announcement by far while scrolling through our Instagram feed—Whole Foods Market announcing the introduction of Whole Ink tattoo parlors located directly in select Whole Foods stores.

Of course the tattoos aren’t just any run of the mill conventionally-grown tattoos—“we believe that what goes under your skin is as important as what goes into your body,” reads the press release issued on the Whole Foods Market website. With this commitment in mind, Whole Foods promises top quality tattoo inks made from “responsibly curated squid,” as well as ink processed from “vegan-friendly cold-pressed beet and kale” for customers who don’t partake of even the ink from any creature with a face.

Whole Foods announced that stores are currently in the process of training their best sign makers and chalkboard artists in the art of tattoo work to prep them for this new feature, and even procured a quote from the chain’s lead tattoo consultant on the inspiration for this new endeavor:

“Whole Foods Market Team Members and customers have always impressed us with their beautiful tattoos. It seemed only natural to offer something back to the body art community,” says Razi P. Berry, tattoo consultant.

 

But that’s not all! The front page of the Whole Foods Market website is a veritable smorgasbord of new releases today, including:

Whole Foods Market knows its crunchy grass-fed free-range organic reputation, and it’s pretty excellent that the brand can poke a little good-natured fun at itself with some ridiculous premises for April Fools' Day. Then we remember that time that Whole Foods started selling vinyl records at its more metropolitan locations, and that was definitely not an April Fools' Day prank, and suddenly in-store hipster tattoo parlors don’t seem quite as far off. Perhaps today’s prank is tomorrow’s feature?